Words Left Unspoken
by dragonflybeach
Summary: After a near tragedy, Dean asks Castiel for another favor. Or, the manly art of expressing emotions. Nothing sexual, take it as you please - friendship, brotherhood, or something more.


_A/N - Set somewhere shortly after Hunteri Heroici._

* * *

"Your brother will be fine, Agent McCartney." the doctor assured. "We're going to keep him sedated for tonight. Why don't you go get some rest? You can come back in the morning and see him."

"Thank you doctor, but I just want to stay here in case he needs me." Dean asserted.

The doctor nodded, unsurprised. "I understand. But really, there's nothing you can do for him here tonight that we won't be doing already. He's going to need you a lot more in a few days when he's released. Get your rest now, because he's going to need your help when you get him home."

"He's right Dean." Cas laid his hand on Dean's shoulder. "We should go rest, and come back tomorrow, when we're stronger."

Dean glanced over, hearing the unspoken words.

_When I've recharged myself enough to heal him completely._

The doctor seized the opportunity.

"Listen to your partner, Agent." He smiled gently. "Your brother's out of danger. There's nothing to worry about. Go take care of yourself, and we'll take care of him."

Dean allowed Cas to lead him out to the car and back to the motel. Dean flung himself one of the chairs and tossed back a double shot of bourbon without even tasting it.

"Sam's going to be fine." Cas promised, standing over him.

"But he almost _wasn't!"_ Dean shouted. "I almost lost him again! You barely had enough juice to stop him from bleeding to death before he got to the hospital! You'd think after we've been through this so many times over the years, it would become routine, but it's not! It gets worse every time!"

He crumpled in on himself, drinking another shot before burying his face in his hands.

"Your emotional state actually a positive thing." Cas told him. "It proves that after all of the abuse it's been through, your soul is still mostly intact."

"I wish I didn't have one." Dean muttered. "I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing."

"You don't mean that." Cas answered. "Human beings, for all their faults and flaws, are meant to feel. Good, bad, or otherwise. Not to feel would be completely unnatural."

"As if my life up to this point has ever resembled natural." Dean grumbled. "Maybe he would be better off if he just forgot all this and went back to Amelia." Dean snorted and took another shot. "Can you do that, Cas?" He looked up at the angel. "Can you wipe his memory and send him to civilian land?"

"No." The angel said sadly.

"Why not?" Dean frowned and gestured vaguely. "You ... zapped Lisa and Ben's heads when I asked you to."

"I could do so, but I will not." Castiel answered levelly.

"What do you mean, you _will not_?" Dean demanded. "After all we have done for you, all Sam has done for you, all that _I_, " he jerked a thumb at his chest. "have done for you, you don't think Sam deserves a chance to live long enough to see his grandchildren?"

"It perhaps would be the best solution for Sam to live a long and healthy life. It would not be good for you." Cas replied.

"Take me out of the equation, here, okay?" Dean raged. "Dammit, Cas, I didn't ask you to do what was good for me, I asked you to save Sammy from being ganked by something that goes bump in the night!"

"The pure, all-encompassing love you feel for your brother, the overwhelming need to protect and shelter him, even though he is now a grown man and quite capable of caring for himself, is ingrained upon your psyche, Dean. It is a fundamental part of what makes you the person you are. If I were to remove Sam from your life, it would change you as a person, in ways none of us would want to see." Cas explained.

"But Sammy would be all right." Dean argued stubbornly, taking yet another shot.

"You would not be." Cas shook his head. "And I cannot let that happen."

"Why?" Dean slammed the bottle down on the table hard enough to startle the angel. "Because I'm Michael's vessel? Because Sam is Lucifer's vessel, and I'm more important?"

"In the scheme of the Apocolypse, you were both equally important." Cas shrugged. "However, the crisis has been averted and the plan changed, and the battle between Lucifer and Michael will never happen the way we believed it would."

"So why won't you do it?" Dean demanded.

"You are important to me, Dean Winchester." Cas tilted his head. "Your friendship gave me a reason not to kill myself after the disaster I created in heaven and earth. Your happiness is one of my top priorities." Cas continued to speak in the same soft, calm tone.

"This may have escaped your notice, Cas, with you not being quite up to speed on human emotions and all, but I'm not a _happy_ person." Dean smirked, saluting Cas with his glass before taking another drink.

Cas nodded. "You do spend quite an amount of time wallowing in depression and, more often, self pity. It's not unreasonable, as you have seen and done things that would have driven lesser men insane. But you are able to find joy in small things, Dean. You smile over pie and certain songs coming on the radio at random times and driving in your car and things Sam says that make you think of happy times in the past. Seeing you in those small moments brings me enjoyment, but more importantly, it brings me hope. If you can still find happiness, however fleeting, in the little things in life, after all you've been through, then all is not lost. If I were to remove Sam from your life, you would lose much of your ability to find joy. Sam would lose much of his too, although he would have no idea what it was that was missing from his life. It is selfish of me to risk Sam's well-being to keep the relationships that the three of us have, but I have learned that one does not survive this world without being selfish sometimes. As long as I am able, I will remain by your side, and I will do everything in my power to keep you and Sam safe, because I care about both of you, and I would grieve if I lost either of you. But more so because the damage to either of you if you were to lose the other would be more than I could stand."

Dean swallowed, his eyes wide. He stared at Cas a moment, then took one last shot of the bourbon. He shoved back from the table and stood.

"I should have enough alcohol in me to able to sleep four hours now." He announced, sitting on the side of the bed and pulling off his shoes. "Wake me if anything changes with Sam."

"I will." Cas nodded. "I will keep watch while you sleep, and awaken you if you are having nightmares."

Dean laid back on the bed, folded his arms, and regarded Cas with narrowed eyes. "That's still freakin' creepy, Cas. But I'm glad you're here."

Cas smiled, sitting on the side of Sam's bed. "Go to sleep, Dean."


End file.
